


the edge of something

by bramgreenfeld



Category: SKAM (Netherlands)
Genre: M/M, if we can't get skam nl season 3 i guess i'll just do it myself
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:36:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27191842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bramgreenfeld/pseuds/bramgreenfeld
Summary: Lucas van der Heijden wishes that he were someone else. Maybe in a parallel universe things would be different - his parents would still be together, he’d have some idea of how to talk to his mother, he wouldn’t be suffocating under the weight of all the secrets he’s been keeping. Maybe he wouldn’t have those secrets at all. Or maybe he’d have worked up the courage to speak up about how he felt more kissing a random Grindr hookup than he ever had with a girl, or about how he was much more similar to his mother than he wanted to admit to anyone, most of all himself.Lucas wants change, there’s no denying it. But he had no idea that change would come in the form of the most beautiful boy he had ever seen.(or, the season 3 we deserved.)
Relationships: Lucas van der Heijden/Bas de Haven, Lucas van der Heijden/Original Male Character(s)
Kudos: 11





	the edge of something

**Author's Note:**

> if npo3 will not give us a season 3 i will face god and walk backwards into hell  
> anyway hello and welcome!! i've been wanting to write this for a while and i have finally done it, and i really hope that you enjoy it. i can't promise that updates will be frequent but i'll update as much as i can. have fun :)
> 
> tws for episode 1: internalized ableism, internalized homophobia, panic attacks

**Clip 1: Desperate  
** _zaterdag 22:48_

**_now playing - hold my liquor (kanye west cover) by lorde_ **

The sound of the music was muffled, but the bass was heavy enough to make it seem like the walls were shaking. Lucas had no idea how Isa knew this many people, let alone fit all of them into her house, but the rooms were packed wall-to-wall, lights flashing in purple and blue and pink. Even here, away from the crowds, Lucas’s hair was sticking to the back of his neck with sweat. His head pounded with every note. 

The joint that Jayden offered him was a relief - if only he could take it. He sighed and shook his head, letting his legs dangle over the side of the tub. He felt Kes nudge his side gently. “You okay?”

Lucas glanced over at him. “Yeah. Just tired. And you know, trying to smoke less.”

“You can go home if you want, bro,” Kes said. “No one will judge.”

“I will,” Jayden cut in. Kes smacked the back of his head.

Lucas scoffed, pulling his knees up to his chest and leaning his head against them. “Nah,” he said. _Anywhere is better than home._

He felt Max tap his shoulder. “Dude,” he said. “Wake up and pass me the weed if you’re not going to smoke it.” Lucas rolled his eyes, throwing it behind him. Judging from Max’s _oof_ , it hit its intended target. “I can’t believe you,” he muttered. “Only keeping me around for weed.”

“And a decent roommate who will help me pay the rent,” Jayden said. 

“And sex appeal,” Max said, grinning. “Right?”

Kes snickered. “Sure, bro. If that’s what you want to believe.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Max said. “I can pick up more chicks in a weekend than you pick up in a _year._ ” 

Now it was Lucas’s turn to laugh. Max shot a glare at him. “I wouldn’t be laughing if I were you. I haven’t seen you with a single girl in the entire time I’ve known you.”

“Yeah, because I’m not desperate like you,” Lucas said. 

Kes and Jayden howled as the bathroom door opened. It took a moment for Lucas’s eyes to adjust to the dark hallway, but he could just make out the silhouette of a girl standing in the doorway. “Is this bathroom occupied?” he heard her say.

“Kind of,” Kes said. 

“Getting high in the bathtub doesn’t look occupied to me,” she said. 

Jayden spread his hands. “Well, if you need to go, then go.”

The girl didn’t move. Lucas could see her more clearly now - petite, with dark curls and bright eyes. Cute, he supposed. Behind him, he heard Max sigh. “Do you want a hit or something?”

“I’ve never smoked before,” the girl said. 

Before he could stop himself, Lucas was standing up, approaching her. She stepped closer to him, closer to the light. “I’ll show you how,” he said. 

He held out his hand, and Max passed him the joint. He heard Jayden snicker, Kes shushing him quickly. “What happened to smoking less?” he asked.

Lucas ignored him. “What’s your name?” he said.

“Jasmijn,” she said.

“I’m Lucas,” he said. He saw her gaze flick down to his lips. _Good._ He reached out and took her hand, pulling her further into the bathroom. He could feel the boys’ gazes on him, like lasers on his back. _Even better._ He took a hit off of the joint and moved closer to her, giving her time to back away if she wanted to. But of course she didn’t. She moved closer, their lips brushing together as he blew the smoke into her mouth. She reached up, resting her hand against his cheek and crushing their mouths together. _Perfect._

He was aware, too aware, of her pushing him against the sink, of the boys making some excuse to leave. The kiss was growing more and more heated - hands wandering, mouths exploring, tongues intertwining. Her lips had begun to trail down his neck, her hands creeping up under his shirt. _You’re supposed to enjoy this,_ he told himself. This meant so much more than the few brief Grindr hookups he’d had over the past year, yet it was so much easier then. 

He was about to pull away when he realized that the music had stopped.

He glanced out the window and saw the blue lights flashing through the window. His heart skipped a few beats, his hand instinctively going to his back pocket. Sure enough, Max had slipped the weed in before leaving. _Bastard._

“Jasmijn,” he said. She didn’t move, so he did, pushing her away gently. “ _Jasmijn.”_ She looked up, annoyed. He tilted his head towards the window. “The cops are here. I’ve got to go.”

“Can’t you just -” There was a bang as someone slammed against the door - likely someone caught in the same predicament as Lucas. He took his chance, moving away from her quickly and towards the window. A few seconds fumbling with the latch and he was gone, taking off onto the ground.

**_now playing: the kids don’t wanna come home by declan mckenna_ **

He was lucky to be on the first floor, but the bitter chill was almost as bad as any physical impact. He shivered, drawing his denim jacket tighter around him. He could see crowds gathered at the front of the house, but he made sure to avoid them, moving towards the shrubs lining the side. He was just small enough to get underneath the branches and onto the sidewalk.

He felt a hand on his shoulder as he was standing up. He jumped, turning his head to see the policewoman standing there. His heart skipped a beat. “Hi,” he said dumbly.

She didn’t smile. “Hi,” she said. “Mind telling me your name?”

“Um...Florian,” he said, thinking fast.

“Florian.” She inclined her head towards the front of the house. “Is there a reason that you’re not out there like everyone else?”

Lucas mumbled something else, something incoherent even to him. The woman’s serious look was starting to morph into a glare. “How old are you?” she asked.

“Eighteen.” _Ish._

“Hm.” She didn’t look convinced. Lucas felt his heartbeat pick up speed. He heard the sound of tires on the road behind her, and could just barely make out Kes’s shape astride his bike in the dark. He gestured towards Lucas - _come on. Make a break for it._ But Lucas felt frozen to the spot, his feet stuck to the ground.

The sound of the woman’s radio buzzing was like music. She turned away from him for just a second, and that was all it took to set Lucas running, his feet pounding against the ground. He could hear her yelling after him, but he didn’t care - he was safe, he was with Kes, he was far away from it all.

**Clip 2: Help Me  
** _zondag 10:13_

**_now playing: in my head by ODIE_ **

It felt like Lucas had only closed his eyes for a second before he was opening them again to the sight of the sun streaming through his window. He draped his arm over his eyes, groaning. Every bone in his body ached to go back to sleep, but the banging that echoed from down the hall was just making his headache worse. He sat up, grabbing a shirt off of the ground and putting it on. It was the same one he was wearing last night, but he didn’t care, and neither would she.

He stood, following the sound down the hall. It was coming from exactly where he expected it - his mother’s room. The door was shut tight, and he rested his hand on the doorknob before opening it, drawing in a deep breath. “Mom?”

She didn’t answer him, bent over...something. He took a tentative step closer. “Mom, what are you doing?”

She finally looked up at him. Their eyes met, but Lucas had no idea if she was truly looking at him. “I have to get rid of these things,” she said quickly, gesturing to the mess on the floor. It was only then that Lucas noticed the shattered glass scattered on the carpet, glittering like a layer of tiny diamonds. Underneath it were the picture frames, broken and twisted around the family pictures inside. 

Lucas’s heart clenched. “We have to clean this up.” His mother shook her head, throwing another picture frame onto the ground. It didn’t shatter immediately, but fissures cracked through the glass, across his face, his mother’s, his father’s. “Mom -” He reached out, grabbing her wrist. When she turned to look at him, he instantly knew it was a mistake. Her eyes were wide, bloodshot, glaring. “Did you sleep at all last night?” he asked.

She shrugged, pulling away from him quickly. “Lucas, if you’re not going to help me…”

Lucas nodded, stepping back. “Okay,” he said quietly. “Okay.” He backed away, almost to the door. For a moment, he just watched her, her sharp movements, her seeming inability to stay still. And then he bolted.

His phone was vibrating when he got back to his room - texts from the boys about the weed, a notification from Instagram that j.asmijn had followed him. It was all he could do to keep from throwing the phone across the room. 

He sunk down on his bed, his head in his hands. This happened a lot, more often than Lucas wanted to think about. And he never knew what to do, how to help. All he could do was keep breathing, and even that was difficult.

**Clip 3: Brain Damage  
** _maandag 12:35_

“Dude,” Max said as he approached the boys. “Do you have it?”

Lucas rolled his eyes. “Check your pocket.”

Max reached behind him, frowning. It hadn’t been that hard to slip the weed into his back pocket, the same way that Max had done to him on Saturday night, but Max still looked surprised when he found it. “Hm,” he said. “Any excuse to grab my ass, right, Lucas?”

“I could say the same about you,” Lucas said without thinking. Jayden and Kes laughed, and Lucas couldn’t help the rush of relief that went through him. 

“Come on, Max,” said Jayden. “You saw this guy with Jasmijn at the party. Maybe you should get a few tips.”

“You haven’t seen me in action yet, bro,” said Max. “Seriously - when I find a girl I want, I’ll get her.”

“You _get_ her?” Kes said, raising his eyebrows. “Girls aren’t objects, dude.”

“Whatever,” Max said. “You know what I meant.”

Lucas had tuned them out by now, leaning back on the bench and staring at nothing in particular. That was, until a movement caught his eye, and he saw the angel in his peripheral vision.

It wasn’t an angel, not really, but a boy - a boy so strange and so familiar at the same time, a boy who moved with a kind of easy grace that Lucas couldn’t even begin to describe. Lucas couldn’t help but stare at him. He had seen boys with dark eyes like his, he had seen boys with brown skin like that. But something about him seemed unlike anything Lucas had ever known.

“Lucas?” Someone reached out and jostled his shoulder. “You with us, van der Heijden?”

Lucas blinked, turning back to the boys - but they weren’t just the boys anymore. At some point, Jasmijn had joined them. She smiled at him. “Hey, Lucas.”

“Um, hi,” Lucas said, reaching up to play with the strap of his bag. He couldn’t get the guy out of his head, even when he couldn’t even see him anymore, even when he was looking Jasmijn in the eyes. “So, Saturday was fun.”

She nodded. “Do you want to do it again?” The boys exchanged glances, and she blushed. “I mean, the party,” she explained. “I’m having some people over on Friday. I thought that you guys might want to join.” 

“Friday?” Lucas repeated. He knew that he should say yes. It was just what you were supposed to do - a pretty girl invites you to her party and you go. That was just how the world works. But all that he wanted to do on Friday was actually try to get a good night’s sleep. “I don’t know, I think we already made plans -”

“Um, no,” Jayden said, cutting him off. “We’ll be there. Sorry about Lucas, he has brain damage.”

Lucas winced. “Dude. Don’t.”

But Jasmijn only smiled. “Great!” she said. “I’ll see you then.” She glanced over her shoulder. “I’ve got to go, my friends are waiting. But it was nice talking to you,” she added, looking right at Lucas when she said it. 

Max instantly turned to glare at Lucas once she was gone. “Bro,” he said. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Lucas shrugged. “I don’t know. She’s kind of….I don’t know. Desperate.”

“Who cares?” Jayden said. “Look at her. Think about who else might be at that party.”

“ _Dude_ ,” Kes said. 

And so the conversation circled back around to girls, and so Lucas tuned out again. He couldn’t help but look back over his shoulder at where the boy had been standing before, but he was gone, almost as if he had never existed in the first place. 

**Clip 4: Blue Boy  
** _dinsdag 16:07_

**_now playing - blue boy by mac demarco_ **

Lucas came home to silence, and he wasn’t quite sure whether to relish it or fear it. He instantly went to his mother’s door - a habit that he’d developed over the past few months. It was shut tightly, not a single sound coming from behind it. He gently tapped his fist against it. “Mom?”

No response. Lucas ignored the hummingbird-pace of his heart and pushed open the door. “Mom?” he said again, quieter this time. There she was - wrapped in blankets on the bed, curled away from him. He couldn’t tell whether she was asleep or awake. He knew that he should have sat down with her, spoken to her, somehow known exactly what he was supposed to do. But instead he turned away, going back out into the hallway and closing the door behind him.

He leaned against the wall with a sigh. He knew what this was. He knew that she would be back to normal - well, normal for her, anyway - eventually. But his mind still raced with every single negative possibility, from the plausible to the not. 

Scared. Anxious. Afraid. He was starting to forget what it felt like to _not_ feel it.

He wasn’t sure how long he stood there thinking, or trying not to think, or thinking about trying not to think. By the time he stood up fully, a dense fog had settled over his mind, and autopilot was the only thing that he could rely on. He didn’t remember deciding where to go, or even walking there - he just found himself back in his bedroom, sitting at his desk with a pen in his hand and his sketchbook in front of him. 

Lucas’s art wasn’t the kind of secret that he was ashamed of. It was just something that was _his_ , something that he could keep to himself without feeling somehow sorry about it. It was an island in the midst of a raging ocean, a moment of peace in the middle of a war. He felt like he could breathe when he was drawing. Like he could just toss all his worries out onto the paper for a moment of rest.

At first it was just a few black lines streaking across the paper, and then he began to make something out of nothing. The waves, the cliff, and the boy clinging to the edge of it with both hands, dreading the moment that he’d have to let go. 

His phone alarm went off and he dropped the pen with a clatter. Just like that, all of the peace that he’d found in paper crumbled away, and he was left alone again. 

Lucas didn’t even have to look at the alarm - he knew what it was for. He stood, going over to his nightstand and opening up the drawer. He avoided looking at the bottle of pills as he swallowed one, avoided letting himself even think about what he was doing. He picked up his phone, taking a quick picture of the drawing. He didn’t have a scanner, but he didn’t need one - he always just edited the photos to appear as if they were scanned in. It wasn’t as if it mattered. No one followed his Tumblr account, at least, no one important did. He opened the app, uploading the picture onto it. He stared at the blinking cursor for a few moments before typing in a caption - _the edge of something._

He dropped his phone back onto the desk and walked back over to his bed, curling up in a ball with his eyes squeezed tightly shut. He knew that his mother was in the same position on the other side of the wall, but he forced himself to pretend as if he didn’t. 

**Clip 5: I’ve Noticed You  
** _donderdag 16:24_

Lucas knew that avoiding home wasn’t going to change anything, but damn if he wasn’t going to try.

The boys must have been long gone by now - he had ducked into the bathroom to ditch them, and that was at least twenty minutes ago. He was well and truly alone now, staring at the stall door like he would see some hidden message in it if he looked hard enough. He had hoped that he might be able to get out of his head a bit by staying away, but if anything it was making everything worse. His thoughts kept going in circles. To his mother alone in her bed, to his father wherever he was. To himself. And then back to her.

He rubbed his forehead, letting out a quiet sigh. He looked down at his phone - he had been scrolling through Instagram, but he hadn’t processed a single thing on the screen. He checked the time. Late. Too late. He forced himself to stand, walking over to the bathroom door. He was lucky that no one had come into the bathroom while he was there and seen him curled up alone in the corner, trying to pretend like he didn’t exist.

He opened the door, and was almost instantly knocked over. 

He barely had time to process it - one moment he was standing up with his hand on the doorknob, the next he was hitting the floor, his bag barely doing anything to cushion his landing. He vaguely remembered spotting someone coming towards him, but he had barely seen him before he was crashing directly into Lucas, sending them both to the ground. 

Lucas pushed himself up into a seating position. “Dude,” he spat. “What the _fuck_ -”

He saw the other boy, and his words died in his throat. It was _him_. The boy from the courtyard, or moreso the boy from his dreams - or at least, that’s how it sometimes seemed. This close up he could see his long eyelashes, the black polish on his nails, the silver earrings in both of his ears.

The boy seemed just as stunned to see him. He blinked a few times, removing his earbuds from his ears. “Oh my god, I am _so_ sorry,” he said. “My music was playing way too loud, I didn’t hear you open the door. Shit, are you okay?”

“It’s fine,” Lucas managed. “I’m okay.” It was jarring hearing the boy’s voice - it was softer than he’d expected it to be, and he talked much faster thanLucas had anticipated. “Are you…”

The boy shook his head. “Dude, don’t ask about me,” he said. “I mean, I basically tackled you.” 

He stood up, holding out a hand. After a moment, Lucas took it, letting the boy pull him to his feet. “What were you so into that you didn’t hear the door open?” he asked him. 

The boy grinned. “In A Dream. Troye Sivan. It’s funny that you’d ask that, actually - you look a lot like him.”

Lucas frowned. “I’ve never heard of him.” The boy’s eyes widened, and he stared at him, a dumbfounded expression crossing his face. “Fuck, you look like I just told you that I committed a crime.”

“Um, you _did_.” The boy shook his head, still looking stunned. “I can’t believe you haven’t heard of him. He’s fucking iconic. Youth, I’m So Tired, Heaven...you really haven’t heard any of those songs?”

Lucas couldn’t help but smile. “I haven’t.”

“Fuck, dude…” The boy shook his head again. Lucas laughed.

“And you said that I look like him?” he asked.

The boy nodded. “Yeah. You’ve got the eyes. And the curls.” He reached out, tugging on a lock of Lucas’s hair. Lucas’s breath caught in his throat, and he wasn’t quite sure if his heart had stopped or started beating at triple speed. He wondered idly if this was what a heart attack felt like.

“You’re new, right?” he asked, changing the subject quickly. “I don’t think I ever saw you before this year.”

The boy nodded. “Yeah.”

“Do you have a name, or…?”

The boy smiled. “Bas,” he said.

“Bas,” Lucas echoed. “Um, I’m Lucas.”

Bas nodded. “Yeah, I know.”

If Lucas’s heart wasn’t beating before, it certainly was now. “Do you?”

“Yeah.” Bas smiled again, a lopsided smirk. “I’ve seen you around.”

Lucas nodded. “You too. I mean, I’ve noticed you too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Bas laughed, just a little. “Well, I’m glad. If I want to be noticed by anyone, you seem like a pretty good choice, I hope.”

Lucas had barely processed what he had said before Bas’s phone let out a loud ping. Lucas glanced over at it. “You actually have the sound on?” he asked.

Bas shrugged. “Yeah, and you’re not the first person to think I’m weird because of it.”

Lucas shook his head. “I don’t think you’re weird.”

Bas glanced at him skeptically. “Really?”

“Nah,” Lucas said. “If you had, like, the duck ringtone or something, though-”

Bas laughed. “Yeah, no.” He looked down at his phone, letting out a groan. “Ugh. I should probably go, it’s way later than I thought it was.” 

Lucas nodded. “Yeah. Same.” He had no idea what time it was, had no idea how much time had passed while he was standing here talking to Bas. It could have been two minutes, it could have been two days. He wouldn’t have complained either way.

Bas pointed at him. “Oh. Next time we talk, you’d better have listened to at least one Troye Sivan song. Preferably more like four. Or a whole album.”

“So we’ll be talking again?” Lucas asked.

Bas nodded. “Um, yeah, I hope so.”

“Me too,” Lucas said. He felt heat rising in his cheeks. Maybe he was getting a fever. He would have to check when he got home.

Bas smirked. “I’ll see you around, then, Lucas.” He turned around, heading for the stairs. Lucas stayed where he was. Maybe it was because he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go home yet. Or maybe it was because he wanted to watch Bas walk away.

**Clip 6: All Alone  
** _vrijdag 16:10_

**_now playing - IN A DREAM by troye sivan_ **

Lucas closed the door gently, trying not to wake up his mother. He wasn’t quite sure how loud he was - he had his earbuds in, listening to the song that Bas had mentioned yesterday. It was a good song. That was the only reason why he was listening to it, that was it.

His mother had been fast asleep when he’d peeked into her room to say goodbye this morning, and he’d decided to let her sleep. She would be fine in a few days. She always was, despite the worries constantly circling through Lucas’s mind.

He headed to his bedroom to drop off his bag. The plan was to go skating with the boys in a few minutes, maybe see if there was a party somewhere that night. He’d check in with his mother, see if she needed anything, and head out. He was never the best skater - there was a reason why he’d broken his arm last year - but he had fun. He had to.

And maybe Bas would be there, wherever he went.

His mother’s door was wide open. It wasn’t too unusual - she could just have gotten up and forgotten to close it, or maybe she wasn’t even in the room at all, having gone somewhere else in the house. Yet Lucas’s heart still picked up speed at the sight of it. Just like it did with everything. 

He pushed the door open wider. He winced at the loud creak it made. “Mom?” he said. “Is everything okay?”

No response. He crept closer to her bed. There was a mound of blankets and pillows there, the kind that Lucas usually buried himself under when he ended up like this. He reached out - and felt the blanket collapse beneath his hands.

He stumbled backwards, ripping his earbuds out of his ears. The silence was worse than anything. He could hear every one of his breaths, every step he took. And he could hear his mother’s absence, he could hear how alone he was, and it was worse than anything.

He stood in the middle of the room, looking around as if his mother could be hiding somewhere. He could hear his own heartbeat now, and he reached up, feeling for his pulse, for some assurance that he was still alive. He took out his phone with shaking hands, barely managing to type out a text to his mother - _Where are you?_

He almost dropped his phone when it began to ring. It wasn’t his mother calling. No, it was the last person who he wanted to talk to right now. 

And yet he answered anyway. “Dad?”

“Lucas,” his father said. 

He sounded breathless, exhausted. Lucas swallowed hard. “What’s going on?” he asked. “Where’s my mom?”

His father let out a sigh. “Listen. This might be kind of scary to hear -”

“ _Where is she_?” Lucas snapped, barely managing to stop himself from screaming. 

A ringing silence. A stuttered breath. Lucas’s fingers tapping against his thigh, because he wouldn’t, couldn’t stop moving.

Finally, his father spoke again. “Your mother sent me some alarming texts today, and…”

He trailed off again, and Lucas couldn’t stand it anymore. “Just say it!” he yelled. “What the fuck is going on?”

“She’s been admitted to the hospital, Lucas,” his father said. “As in, the mental one.” 

A steady ringing had begun to fill Lucas’s ears, his father’s words just barely managing to penetrate it. “What?” he managed to say.

“She’s back in the hospital,” his father repeated. “You know, it’s a very nice facility, it’s the same one where you -”

“What am I supposed to do now, then?” Lucas asked. “Just stay here all alone?”

“Lucas, I’ve told you before that my home is always open to you -”

“That’s bullshit, complete _bullshit_ -”

“Lucas, will you let me finish a sentence?”

“No,” Lucas said. “No, I don’t think I owe that to you - you know, the guy who left in the middle of the most terrifying, most chaotic time of my life. And I’m not staying with you, not ever. I’m better on my own than I would be with you.”

“Lucas -”

Lucas hung up. There was a knot in his throat, a tight feeling spreading through his chest. When his phone vibrated again, it was all he could do to keep from throwing it across the room. He turned it back on, fully expecting to have to send a strongly worded text back to his father, and maybe block his number for good measure - but it was his mother’s name that appeared. 

_Philippians 4:13 - I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Be strong my dear Lucas, I love you so much._

This time he couldn’t stop his phone from falling to the ground, his hand involuntarily releasing it. He followed it down, sinking to his knees so quickly that it almost hurt. The knot in his throat had only gotten bigger, to the point that it felt as though he couldn’t even breathe around it, no matter how many deep breaths he took. It was like he was being choked from the inside out, like his own body was turning against him. He could feel the blood pumping inside his head, his vision seeming to white out before him. He closed his eyes, moving to a seated position and bringing his knees up to his chest. He dug his nails into his palms. The pain almost seemed to ground him, making him feel real again, or at least like less of a ghost. He let out a small breath, then another, then another.

He finally opened his eyes. He didn’t look back at the bed behind him, or pick up his phone again. All of the anger, the fear, the sadness, seemed to have melted away, and an overwhelming sense of nothingness began to envelop him, wrapping around him like a blanket on a cold night. 

**Clip 7: What I Want  
** _vrijdag 23:32_

**_now playing: c7osure (you like) by lil nas x_ **

The bright lights were making his vision spotty, and the loud music was making his head pound, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was here. He was in a crowd, surrounded by boys - no, by men - who didn’t know him, who didn’t give a shit who he was. And maybe Lucas could pretend like he didn’t, either. 

He wasn’t sure whether it was a conscious decision or not - all he knew was that he wanted to forget who he was, that he wanted to feel something, anything. And so he ended up at a gay bar on the other side of the city, and he didn’t know how much he had drank, and he didn’t want to know. 

One second he was on the dance floor, and the next he was at the bar again, ordering yet another drink. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be numb or if he wanted to be high. All he knew was that he didn’t want to feel what he had felt at home on his mother’s bedroom floor. So he took another drink, and he danced to another song, and he forced himself to breathe even though he still felt as though there was a weight sitting on his chest.

He blinked, and there was a man sitting in front of him. Tall, taller than him, with long dark curls and whiter-than-white teeth. He flashed a smile at Lucas. “Hey there,” he said. “I don’t think I’ve seen you before.”

Lucas couldn’t help but think of the hallway outside the bathroom, of Bas saying that he had noticed him before. “You haven’t,” he said, pushing all thoughts of Bas out of his mind. He took another sip of his drink.

The man was still looking at him, smiling that smile of his. “What’s your name, then, handsome?”

Lucas opened his mouth to reply, but his words were stolen out of his mouth. “Lucas!” 

He spun around on the stool, keeping one hand clinging to the bar. At first, it took a moment for him to place the man approaching him, but he was soon able to place together the bleach blond hair and the perky attitude. “Ralph. Hey.”

Ralph sat down on the empty stool next to him. His smile wasn’t quite wide enough to mask the concern in his eyes, and Lucas’s grip on the bar tightened. “What are you doing here?” Ralph asked him.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Lucas replied, keeping his voice as flat as possible. He glanced over his shoulder, but the guy who had been there before was gone, disappearing back into the crowd. 

Ralph frowned at him. “How many of those drinks have you had?”

Lucas rolled his eyes. “Not enough.”

“Um, yes. Enough. You’re underage, first of all -”

“What?” Lucas interrupted. “Are you going to rat me out or something?”

Ralph shook his head. “Not if it doesn’t come to that. But look at yourself, Lucas. You’re completely plastered. You look like you’re about to pass out.”

“So what?”

“So what?” Ralph echoed. “This isn’t good for you. Quite the opposite, actually.”

“How do you know what’s good for me?” Lucas slammed his drink down onto the bar, barely managing to keep from spilling it. “Everyone keeps acting like they know what I want - fuck them, _I_ don’t even know what I want. I just know what I don’t want.”

Ralph was still staring at him. Lucas took another sip of his drink, ignoring the way the concern in Ralph’s eyes magnified. “And what is it that you don’t want, Lucas?” he said.

So much. There were so many things that Lucas wanted to cast away. Every boy he’d ever looked at, every episode his mother had ever had, every pill he’d ever taken. But only one thing came to his lips. “To go home.”

Ralph shook his head. “Then what are you going to do, Lucas?”

“I don’t know.” He reached for his drink only to find that Ralph had taken in, sliding it out of his reach. “Give it back,” he said. There was no bite behind the words, he couldn’t find the energy for it. He knew how pathetic he sounded, how pathetic he looked. 

Ralph slid the drink even further away. “Let’s make a deal,” he said. “I’ll give you back this drink - just this one, and I’m not letting you get any more - if you agree to stay at my place tonight.”

Lucas frowned. “What?”

“You know that Jayden’s room is empty,” Ralph said. “I don’t want you out on the street alone tonight. And I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I know that if it’s bad enough for you to get yourself into this state then it’s probably best if you don’t go home.”

Lucas propped his head up on his hand, suddenly exhausted. He let out a deep breath, the first real one that he had taken since he had gotten home from school that afternoon.

“Lucas?” Ralph prompted.

Lucas finally looked up, meeting his eyes. “Okay,” he said. 

**Author's Note:**

> come talk to me on tumblr @norainred :)


End file.
